I'll love you Endlessly

Mum had a phone call the end of last week. It was the hospital to say they had a cancellation and they could fit her in today.

Good news and bad news on that front. Good news is, once this other shoulder is done she can sleep without pain. Bad news is, it's the very same suite of theatres where my pet worm is clinical manager. Not bad news in itself as she has had it written in her notes that no worms should be allowed through the doors asleep or not, um, Mum asleep or not, not the worm

Bad news because they had to be there by 7am and on ringing her at 6 30 am, I was given an intelligence report that  Mum aka Atilla the hun was stationed on the corridoor outside the entrance to the theatre suite and Dad aka Rambo was scouring the car park for offending car owned by a worm

" I'm behind a pillar  * giggle giggle * " whispered Atilla

" Um, Ati,,, I mean, Mum, you are supposssssssssssed to be going into hospital for an operation not launching an attack on Guantanamo bay ! ! "

It was like she hadn't heard me.

" Your Father is covering the car park,,, * giggle giggle * "

Covering the car park anyone ?

" Mum, will you both PURlease behave ! "

Sheesh, who's the Parent here ?

Enters stage left,,, Rambo, um I mean Dad and I heard the dulcid tones,,,

" Did you say his registration was '@#~$&+# ?? "

" Yeah that's it, did you see the * insert language 74yr old ladies should never use here *

" No, it ( it, LMAO ! ) must already be in but don't you worry I'LL BE BACK ! "

Ok, this was getting surreal now, not only was this convo going on in whispered tones behind a pillar but Dad had now turned from Rambo into Arnie !

These aren't young, fit SAS operatives going on a secret mission, these are two OLD AGE PENSIONERS !

I KNEW I should have gone with them, I KNEW it !

Mind you, with all that anger inside him, he may be nearly 82 but a fighter never looses that good left hook and I don't fancy the worms chances if Dad sees him.

What was that you said Robin, let people take the strain ?

 

It hasn't escaped your notice that I have been keeping myself to myself these past months. Not totally isolating myself, I do have contact with lots of you on facebook but just having some " me " time and making sure " me " is ok.

It started when I thought I was going to loose my hair. I knew something had to give before I caved in.

That night back in January that now seems a zillion years away when I collapsed, I thought I'd had my chips and in a quite moment with God I almost heard him say " You were so grateful for that 2nd shot you had when Billy got you all those years ago and things were going to change weren't they Jayney ? But here you are 4yrs down the line still acting like your Attila the hun, still letting the world know that you'll dish out the shit now before they have a chance to dish it to you, that no one but no one will treat you like something they have just scrapped from their shoe ever again and where has it got you Jayney ? Flat on your back again thats where !, with people who care about you and love you making 999 calls and you STILL have to pick a fight with the ambulance crew don't you ! Who told you you have to do all this on your own Jayney ? Who ? You are denying the people who love and care for you the right to love and care for you and if you deny them that right then you are denying their love and you shouldn't do that ! These people love you, ALLOW them to love you ! "

Abuse does either 2 things to you. It either turns you into the weeping victim or it turns you into someone who pushes people away. The latter not because you are some kind of monster but because the abusive experience has messed with your circuitry. You build this wall and people are allowed to talk to you over that wall but they aren't allowed to step over it because, in your head, this is another person with a hidden agenda who is " playing " nice but they are really out to hurt you. Your circuitry has been messed with so much that you confuse love, concern, caring with deciet, lies and hurt and you must lay down the battle plans and be ready 24/7 to defend and attack.

I spent years watching, listening, waiting for an attack and here I was,,, well, I hadn't come very far had I ?

That question kept popping back into my head " who told you you had to do this alone Jayney ? " and from that question popped up another one,  " who told you you had to lose that fighting spirit and your independence if you allowed people to love and care for you ? "

So, apart from giving myself some " me " time, I have started to allow people to love and care for me. That's not to say I sit back and allow everyone to do everything for me but I have now given up this stubborn  " I would rather die than have someone do this/that for me and I would rather it didn't get done at all " attitude.

I've been spending more time with my Parents and I've allowed them to feel needed.

One thing you learn very quickly as you get older is the fragility of time. Time passes you by so fast and there isn't a God damn thing you can do about it. We always think we have another day to say the things we meant to say, to do the things we meant to do but oneday we just run out of days and I've wanted to spend more time with my Parents.

Dad is failing fast. He says he isn't but he knows he is. I see it in his eyes, the way he now stoops and shuffles along. It breaks my heart in two to see this once great fighter putting all his effort into just getting up out of a chair because he is a tortured, broken soul who is so ANGRY over what was done to his baby and the rage is eating him up.

 It was my Dad who instilled this fighting spirit into me. He taught me to never run from anything but he taught me all that when he thought I wasn't looking. I have no right to tell him he shouldn't be angry, I'm a Parent who's baby was hurt and oh boy, when someone hurts your baby it turns you into a possible killing machine with tunnel vision. You only see the cause of your childs hurt in front of you and all reason flies out of the window. But my Princess changed me. In moments of sheer rage I think of her, I see her beeming face when she sees me, that shreak of NANNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and thoughts about that whelk turn into,,,,, YOU ARE NOTHING !

So, I refuse to inherit that bitterness and rage but one thing I do want to say to my Dad before the fragility of time catches up with him is,,,

" You taught me SO much when you thought I wasn't looking. I won't accept this bitterness and anger you are offering, you have a right to keep that to yourself but thankyou from the bottom of my heart for all those good things you taught me when you thought I wasn't looking "

You don't need me to tell you I've not blogged in quite a while,,,, ops, I just did

Not unusually things have been rather mental here and I've just not been able to get my head together enough to write a sensible blog,,,, um, well, ok, so my blogs are rarely sensible but you get my drift.

The Princess has started school since I last blogged. She's going every morning until 12 and to ease her out of the private nursery she was in Luke and Nicki thought they would keep her in that one for 2 afternoons a week. She's made a few special little friends there and they did'nt want the change to be sudden. They need'nt have fretted. She's most definately not like her Nanny and adapted to the change like, well, she had'nt even changed. Within 2 days her reputation and the name " Skylar bossy boots " followed her  and in that same week Luke had to literally DRAG her out to the dulcid tones of " WHYYYYYYYYYY DO I HAVE TO GO HOMMMMME "

" You can go back tomorrow "

" I don't wanna go back tomorrowwwwww, I wanna go back nowwwwwwwwww "

Don't you usually have to drag them in and not out ?

" But Nanny saysssssss I gorra learn all I cannnnnnn. I wanna go to schoooooooooooool "

" And you will Skylar but tomorrow ! "

That was enough for Luke to get a " I'm telling Nanny ! ", the bottom lip was duely pouted out and she refused to talk to anyone for about an hour and only then to tell them in the sternest terms that she wanted Nanny so she could tell me they would'nt let her go to school to learn all she could.

THAT'S my girl

Nicki is recovering well but is'nt very fond of the rather large scar they have left her with. Must say, it's rather bigger than her original scar but it could be because it's still quite red.

Skylar, not to feel left out, has been pulling her top off her shoulder and showing everyone her scar where she had her op. Nanny has been mouthing to people, when they look bemused at seeing no scar, " just say ooooohooer, that's one nasty scar Skylar ".

She's reached the age and stage in their developement now of becoming a fine romancer and teller of tales including worrying us a few weeks back by telling us that her other Nan had been in a car crash and had a hugggge bandage on her leg, telling Nicki that boppy ( my Dad ) said she smells and she gave Luke cause for concern when he arrived here with his mates, who all seem to think they should have the right to vet any man who comes into my life and I felt like I was under a lamp being interrogated about this guy called Gary.

Um, Gary anyone ?

I was sat there with all of them looking at me in the sternest way while being asked about this " Gary " with his best mate chops ( don't ask ) telling me " we want to know if we have to break any necks ! " , another one pipes up, " he meets US first Mrs number 2 ! No one but NO ONE is going to hurt you again and get away with it ! " ( don't ask about my nickname either  ),with Luke following on with a " Mum, if he hurts you, I'll, I'll,,,,,

" Hang onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn a cotton picking minute ere ! I don't know any GARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ! What on EARTH are you all going on about ? ! "

" Skylar said you have a new boyfriend called Gary " !

" Oh, well Skylar also said Boppy said she smells so I guess it MUST be right ! "

This interrogation went on for about 10 minutes and I was starting to get angry and to calm things down I said, " Oooo boys, you seen my picture that David Tennant signed for me ? "

That started Luke off again,,,,

" Did this Gary get that for you ? Cos Skylar mentioned that "

" IIIIIIIIIIIIIII DON'T KNOW ANYYYYYYYYYY GAR,,,,,, um, hang on Luke, Skylar mentioned my signed David Tennant photo ? "

" Yeah, she said your new boyfriend Gary got you a Dr Who pic "

It all started to become clear

" Luke, that signed photo was given to me by a friend who has another friend who happens to know Mr sex on legs Tennant because he is a cyberman in Dr Who,,,,,,

" Your going out with an f,,,,lipping cyberman ? " pipes up chops. He looks at Luke with a worried look and says,,, " Luke, this aint gonna be easy to get one over on a cyberman. I think we're gonna need a bigger fist "

They started again

" um, EXCUSSSSSSSSSSSE ME you lot ! I am here ! and if you would all like to SHUT UP I will explain ! "

Although I'd gone past thinking now,, awwh they just care about me and was beginning to see no reason why I SHOULD explain and leave them to make right plonkers of themselves

" If you would all care to calm down "

I turned my attention to Luke.

" Now listen RAMBO ! You have met this friend who got me this picture. We had lunch with HER once and SHE knows someone ( who's name does't even happen to be Gary ) who plays a cyberman in Dr Who. She told him that she knew of a Welsh dingbat who roams cardiff bay looking for Mr Tennant because he loves her, he just does'nt know it yet. And the said cyberman told Mr lushious lips Tennant about me, he signed the pic, SHE framed it and SHE brought me said pic. SHE happens to be called Ally, ALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, NOT GARYYYYYYYYYYYYYY . Remember her now ? The one we had lunch with ? The one who had an asthma attack when we made HER laugh so much ? "

THAT shut them up.

 " But Mum,,,,,,, "

" Yes Arnie ? "

" Where did the boyfriend bit come from ? "

" Well think about it DON LUKE. How many times have I said to Skylar about Dr Who being my boyfriend ?

This is'nt rocket science. She's 3yrs old. Picture of Dr Who, me saying boyfriend. Me telling her ALLY gave it to me. Can you see the pattern forming here in her little mind ? "

Sheesh, I was beginning to wonder who the real 3yr old was

" Well bugger me, her lies are getting more elaborate " says Luke

" NO LUKE, NOT lies, it's called being a 3yr old and having imaginationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn " and I duely reminded him about the time he'd told his teacher I could'nt afford to send his 3 Sisters to private school ( 3 Sisters ?  ) because I could'nt afford 3 other blazers and COUNTLESS other hysterical imaginative stories !

" Luke, listen and listen good. When and IF the status quo changes in my life, YOU and NICKI will be the first to know, NOT Skylar and you have also got to rid your head of this notion that you have to rip the head off any man who even so much as looks at your Mother ! " ( he leapt over the bar in a single leap once in a pub when the landlord had the nerve to flirt with me  )

It's comforting to know they want to protect me from anyone hurting me again but sheesh, a fella complete with a head would be preferable

Nicki went away for some peace and quiet in West Wales last week and as Skylar was on half term and Luke had to work, I spent the week there.

After the 3rd day I was beginning to feel like a piece of limp liver but you know what ? I loved it !

When I got my life back just over 2 yrs ago I loved my new independence but last week I realised I would swap it tomorrow to have that feeling of being in a family unit again. To be the figurehead of a family and to have a family to care for. Oh I don't mean I would go back and I certainly don't mean I miss my pet whelk, I mean I miss " what should have been ". I was'nt meant for a career, a high flyer of a woman in the work place. I'm as happy as a pig in mud being a home maker, cooking, cleaning, having my family come home after a days work to yummy smells coming from the kitchen, just nurturing. I miss it so much and I felt such an overwhelming wave of sadness come over me. Things were'nt meant to be like this.  I was there for a week and I really did'nt want to come home. Did'nt even miss my PC, did'nt even think about it.

But this week I'm paying for it. When I got up Sunday morning, it was like someone had taken my automatic pilot button away and I flopped. I'd obviously done something to the intercostal muscles in my ribs without knowing it and I've hardly been able to move this week. Wednesday was bad and with feeling like an elephant has kicked me in the ribs, lack of sleep, balance right off and legs that became a law unto themselves, I had to give in and text Andrea to come. Coming home was like someone had robbed me of the things I strive to go on for. Not for one minute saying GBS is in the head but last week was like I had it in my head,,,,

" don't you DARE follow me Billy ! You are staying put at home ! "

Oh, there were times when the balance was off, the wobbly legs, the horrendous pain in my larger muscles due to nerve damage but I knew I had to fight through all that because I was the carer, I had a little precious Princess to go on for, a Son to care for again. Lots of people made sure I was'nt entirely on my own mind you, countless visitors to spend days with me while Luke was at work to make sure I was ok and I would'nt have had it any other way. I'm a stubborn bugger but where Skylar is concerned I realise there is a fine line between courage and stupidity and won't take any chances with her welfare and welbeing. But even with all the visitors I still felt I was the one at the helm, not a control thing, just the home maker and the one keeping things together.

I miss it

Karen, Ruth and anyone out there with lovely large families to look after, who sometimes maybe think " Oh GOD i'm SO tired ", count your blessings everyday, treasure each moment, even when your children are fighting with siblings like they want to kill them, the fights with teenagers because they see no reason why they should wash let alone bath, the noise, the chaos, the tantrums. Because when empty nest syndrome hits you oneday, it's going to hit you like a brick full on in the face.

Was fight night last night so, as per usual, I had Luke and half of Cardiff in my home

The main fight of Ricky Hatton and Manny Pacquiao was to start at about 4-15am.

Was unsure about the outcome but my heart was telling me Hatton would take it because of a weight advantage.

It was'nt to be and, if Hatton had'nt taken his reputation of 45-1 wins with 32 knock outs to the ring with him, you would have been excused for thinking that he was a glorified club fighter.

From the off Hatton looked like he did'nt belong. He did'nt stand a chance. Pacquiao's speed stunned Hatton from the sound of the bell in the first round and he went down twice on the end of a left hook in the 1st and Kevin MItchell from the Guardian likened Pacquiao's punches to bullets from a machine gun.

It's a wonder you did'nt hear me screeching,,, Jab and move the head Rickyyyyyyyyyyy, Jab and move the head ! Get that f,,, lipping left hand up !

But Ricky did'nt hear me

2 minutes 59 seconds into the 2nd round, Hatton got a left jab to the chin that rattled his brain and sent his eyes up into his head ! He was out for a count !

After about a minute when he was still out, things were'nt looking good, Luke filled up and said, " shit, he's in trouble Mum ". His eyes were'nt there. They took the camera off him and the commentator said this was worrying and it was no time for Pacquiao's corner to be celebrating.

I was crying by now as it was a painful reminder of the Michael Watson scene when Eubank knocked him out and Watson was close to death. I did'nt wanna see Ricky die

This senario is very rare in boxing because of tight controls but only a fool would say it can't happen and this is the only part of boxing I hate.

Fortunately, to the cheers of the crowd, Ricky came round and sat up but you could see, when he had to be helped from the ring, that the 1st place he was heading was hospital.

Our Nicki is recovering

I've had a hot line to God this week. If any of you tried his number and got the engaged tone, sorry, twas moi hogging the line

Now, consider the senario,,,,

One sicky Nicki with a heart that's dicky. What's the first thing you all think of that would help a sicky Nicki with a heart that's dicky recover faster ?

Yes, put two Welsh dingbats called Andrea and Jayney into the mix !

whatcha mean,,, Nooooo, Nicki needs to recover, she's been through enough, don't inflict THAT on the poor girl !

Well, my justification for inflicting this trauma on her, um, I mean cheering her up was,

"A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones." (Proverbs 17:22)

Soooooooooooooo, we went bearing gifts. Mother in law went bearing a flower garden in her arms that was practically thrown at her on my way through like a whirlwind on dicky legs bursting for a wee ( I was bursting for a wee, not my legs ). While Andrea beared her gift of,,,,,cooked chicken wings from tesco's .

 I heard the healing, dulcid ( not to quiet ) tones of Andrea,,, " AV A CHICKEN WING  NIC ! "

Yes, we had arrived

I gave Andrea a concerned look of " why has my Daughter in law gone a funny colour ? "

I got a look back that said,,, " dun worry Jayno, she'll be fine after a chicken wing "

The chicken wings were a bag of bones by now. Most people take grapes and sit there eating them. Andrea takes chicken wings

Ooooo, cheered her up no end we did. We knew this from the contortions on her face and the lovely colour she went, ESPECIALLY when we told her we were going to show her how to LIVE by joining castle bingo !

Yeah, we know how to live we do !

When we had finished traumatising her, err, I mean cheering her up, we left her Sister in law giving her mouth to mouth and got on a chuff chuff, no train, and went into Cardiff to meet Luke and Skylar. We left Luke in the phone shop where he was having a very traumatic time trying to decide which new phone he wanted .

He knew we were on our way back 5 minutes before we actually stepped foot back in the shop as he could hear the dulcid tones of two welsh dipsticks and a Princess coming through a crowded St David's shopping centre singing at the top of their lungs,,,,,

A B CCCCCCCCCCCC D E F GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG, H I J K LMNOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

Then the Princess shouting at the top of her lungs to anyone who cared to listen,,  " SING ! ALL UH LOO ! ( cracks me up, her not being able to get her mouth round All of you. LMAO ! )

We got admonished, ADMONISHED I tell you !

" will you PURLEASE shut up ! "

The three of us were like

That boy needs to know how to live, I know, we'll take him to Castle bingo !!

 

Re title of this blog,,,, Nicki's heart is now pacing properly again and I can no longer refer to her as the " beeping woman ".

She is now fully charged again.

Nevertheless, I have no desire to talk about what happened in between her going into theatre and arriving back on the ward. Mainly because the thought of " what might have been " is a little to much to cope with. I cried a river yesterday and realised just HOW much I do love her.

She is in a lot of pain from the op site and feels like she's been kicked by an elephant. All I will say about the

" inbetween " bit is, you can't have a few thousand volts with the aid of paddles sent crashing through your body without feeling huge after effects

I prayed like I have never prayed before yesterday. For Nicki yes but also strength for Luke, peace of mind for Nicki's Parents, love and protection for Skylar, for God to put the skill in the surgeons hands and a very large gin and tonic at the end of it for one stressed out Mother in law !

Monday morning.

" hello Mrs please don't shout at me and burst my eardrum. This is Norwich Union claims "

" WHAT NOW  ! "

Mrs Union holds phone from ear because she could hear me in Tasmania without the aid of a telephone.

" We can speak to you now concerning your claim. Your name is now on the policy "

" I shall ring the BBC ! Like WOWNESS, Mr you know who gave his permission to have my name put on this policy last TUESDAY. You lot work fast don't ya ! Well, you certainly worked fast when you took MY money last week ! "

Cut a long story short, builder came yesterday, looked at said wall and laughed at surveyors report and recommendations. Surveryor had down " repair ". Builder said,

" I wonder what colour the sky is in this guys world. Repair ? Makes it look soooooooooo easy. I can't repair that. What I can do is build you a new wall love "

" But the insurance won't cover a new wall "

" You leave them to me love "

So, the bast,,, um, I mean the person who so kindly wrecked my wall and drove away has done me a favour in the long run. I am to get a new wall.

Nevertheless, when this is all over and I have said new wall up, I shall be complaining to Norwich Union with the UTMOST vigor ! I shall also be cancelling the policy with them and forking out to a company of my choice which will also kill 2 birds with 1 stone as Mr you know who won't get his cannonization with the vatican for being the most goody two shoes estranged, abusive hubby by reminding me what he still pays here out of the goodnesssssssssssss of his lil ole heart

News on the beeping woman front aka Nicki. She goes into hospital tomorrow morning to have beeping battery changed in her defib/pacemaker. She's only been beeping for about 3 months. 24yrs old, long QT syndrome, killed her Sister at 23, dying battery on her defib/pacemaker, only takes them 3 months to get it sorted. Got to give these people a chance I suppose

They will remove it, change battery then there is a tentative wait to see if her body rejects it or not. Even though she's had this since she was a young teen, the new battery is still a new foreign body and rejection is a possibility we do have to bear in mind.  When she had this fitted all those years ago, even though the defib/pacemaker was in situ to correct the " long QT wave " of  her heart, she flatlined in recovery.

So, whatever your spiritual or religious persuasion, can I ask you to keep Nicki and all of us who love her very much in your thoughts tomorrow please ? I'm trying to remain as calm as possible for poor ole Luke who is in a right state. If anyone so much as says BOO to me today, I might break and cry.

On that note and thought, a bloody wall does'nt seem so important anymore

Rang the insurance company again on Thursday. Details STILL had'nt been passed over to the emergency Mr and Mrs department.

Mrs snooty woman,,, " You will have to ring that emergency number and tell them to pass your details over to us before we can do anything to make this wall safe "

Moi,,,, " 2 questions,,, why do I have to ring them ? and, can you define * make safe * ? "

Mrs snooty woman,,,, " Well, as I said ( the audible sigh she gave here could have been heard in Yugoslavia ) not a moment ago, we need the policy details and to make safe we need to,,,, ( she must have been talking in Yugoslavian here because she lost me ).

Moi,,,, " So, roughly translated that means you will come and knock it down ? "

Mrs snooty woman,, " Um,,,, well, it's not as,,, um,,,,, yes "

Moi,,, " You so NEED to call upon the services of half the kids in this area because they will have this wall down faster than you can say " My Mother made me wash the dishes when I was 10, I have issues, lets kick this wall down  !. Now look, before I was left hanging on this line and when you finally answered during the 6th time I had Beethovens 5th symphony playing in my shell like, I was told that these calls are recorded. Sooooooo, I want it recorded that I have done my best to inform everyone I should about the state of this wall anddddd, if this wall falls on someones little darlin who should'nt even BE playing near it and I get hit with a claim because the said little swine,, um, I mean darlin has grazed his darlin little knee, it is thankfully recored that it's not ME who is'nt doing her best to rectify this right now ! "

Mrs snooty woman,,, " But we need your policy details "

Moi,,,, " Now, listen. You have a wonderful invention in your hand. It's been rather popular for over a 100yrs now, it's called a TEL EEEEEE PHONE ! May I respectfully suggest YOU use it  before I,,,,,,,,,,

Mrs snooty woman,,,, " Give me 10 minutes "

Less than 10 minutes later, the wonderful invention that Norwich Union had obviously only just heard about rang. Was the surveyor.

" I am 40 minutes away, is it ok to call on you  ? "

" NOW LISTEN !  Um,, errr,,, oh yeah "

He came, he saw, he knocked the few offending loose bricks off. We did the business, I signed and payed my £75 excess.

" You should have a new wall very soon. No problem with the claim, it's obviously genuine "

Done deal. Or so I thought until the call a few hours later

Wonderful invention rings,,,, " Can we speak to Mr who know who please "

" You are over two years to late "

" pardon ? "

" Mr you know who has'nt lived here for over 2yrs. Who is this ? "

" Norwich Union claims "

Double

" It's not Mr you know who you are dealing with, you are dealing with Mrs you know who. Whats the problem ? "

" I'm sorry but we can't discuss that with you "

I nearly swallowed the said wonderful invention

When I regained the power of speech I stuttered,,,

" I beg your pardon ! "

" Well, it's only Mr you know who's name on the policy "

I don't know if any of you heard a loud explosion around 4pm that day. If you did and anything was damaged by falling objects in your homes, I sincerely apologise. Twas moi. Because it was at this point that I spontaniously combusted and one poor woman from Norwich Union had a problem with a burst ear drum.

" MY name was put on the policy on TUESDAY, when you rang that bas,, um, I mean Mr you know who and he gave his permission for MY name to go on this policy and further more, when you have VERY kindly finished telling me that this is nothing to do with ME, let me remind YOU that your company were faster than a speeding bullet taking MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  £ 75 this morning ! NOT HIS, MINNNNNNNNNNNE  !! May I ALSO remind you that they put a man on the moon in 1969, money can be transferred at the speed of light these days, I can talk to someone on the otherside of the world in seconds yet you STILL have'nt heard of communication between departments in the SAME building ? !!! "

Billy had taken advantage of the situation by now and the swine had stolen my left leg. I was LIVID ! But for a change I was'nt livid with Billy. I could'nt hold it against him for taking advantage of the situation and wanting his little bit of fun.

" Oh " says Mrs woman

" well, could you maybe call Mr you know,,,,,,,

She'd changed ears because she must have been in horrendous pain with her burst ear drum and I promptly burst the otherone.

" If you think for one darn tooting minute I am going crawling to HIM again, you are very much under an illusion. YOU took MY money, this is MY wonderful invent,,, um phone, MY home, MY wall, MY claim, YOU sort it ! "

She must have had to go to A and E because another Mrs woman called me back about 15 minutes later.

" I hope you are'nt calling me back with another problem ! "

" Oh noooooo ( little giggle ), no problem, it's all sorted ( I was'nt holding my breath ), it was just a curtesy call to see if everything has gone smoothly with the claim "

It was at this point that I passed out.

Barely slept last night.

Some lovely, faceless wonder, on Easter Sunday while I was at Skylars party, drove into my back wall. With the damage done, the bas,,, um, person could'nt have failed to notice what they had done. It's quite some force thats caused the damage and must have caused some damage to their van. You can see it's a van thats done it, the impact point is to high for a car.

This was an incident waiting to happen. This wall separates my garden from council garages, mine on the end being the only private one and for years, several people who pay weekly for the garages and should only be parking their cars, have been using them for businesses. So consequently, there is a constant stream of vans coming into the garages and they all use the point where my wall is to back up, turn around and drive back out. I've never had the heart to report them but now I wish I had.

The wall is'nt completely down, it's got a bloody huge crack right down the middle, is bowing into my garden but one push and it will be down.

My problem was, as " you know who " pays the buildings insurance and had control of all finances in this house, I did'nt have a clue who the policy was with. I'd already informed the police and got an incident number but without insurance details, I could do nothing with it. So, rang the bank yesterday who hold the mortgage, they had no info about insurance on their system.

I'm beginning to think, " shit, I'm gonna have to put my pride in my pocket here and ring you know who "

Luke had told me the night before to phone him and got a rocket off him when I told him, it would have to be a cold day in hell before I asked that man for anything.

" You will have to pay for a new wall Mum if you don't claim. You got that kind of money handy " ?

So, started dialing his number and stopped quite a few times. My pride was getting in the way. Finally put it in my pocket and thankfully I got straight through to answerphone. Left a message to ask him to text me the details, that way I would'nt have to speak to him at all.

Then I remembered the mortgage pack I have. Went through it and found an old personal financial statement of his from the bank. There it was,,,, direct debit, home insurance. They MUST have details !

Rang them back and managed to speak to someone else who did'nt happen to be a moron ( or blind ) like the last one because there on the system was " Norwich Union ".

Getting somewhere now, thinks Moi.

Rang them. Next problem, my name was'nt on policy !

" So what do I do now ? I have a wall here which is dangerous as it is, i've done all I should, informed the police, informed you yet if this takes to long, I could get told I the claim was made to late and I could end up forking out money I have'nt got and the most bitter taste of all, PURlease don't tell me I have to go ask this man to sort this out for me  ! "

" No, we will do that for you "

" eh ? "

" You give us a contact number and we will phone him and get his permission  to add your name to the policy, which will take effect immediately and you can claim in your own right "

Hmmm,, his permission eh ? It was still rather a bitter pill to swallow. But, I swallowed it quick and resisted the wretching feeling and kept it down.

Anyway, cut a long story short, they finally got through after I gave his work number as they got answerphone like I did.

" No problem, we will take your details now, then put you through to claims "

Got through to claims who were putting me on as an emergency to have the assessor out within two hours and make the wall safe. Three hours later, no one had been. rang the emergency number they gave me, my flamming details had'nt been passed over !!

So I'm thinking, ok girl, don't get stressed, it's a bugger but it will get sorted, just pray that wall does'nt fall on anyone in the night and you don't get hit with a claim from some snooty parent who's little darling gets his darling little knee grazed while playing somewhere he should'nt be playing anyway !

My old mobile rings. It never rings thinks moi, I only use that phone to use free minutes rather than use my house phone.

Yes, you've guessed, that darlin little name came up on caller ID, " THE WORM "

Oh man, he could'nt have been sweeter as he offered to sort it for me. But Jayney, not being a stoooooooooopid Jayney could hear his unsaid words between the gushing " HAH ! so she still needs me eh ! "

THE HELL I DO !

I kept my tongue civil but um, I dunno if he could hear my unsaid words between the civility,,,,,

" It will be a very cold day in hell before I give you the tinsiest winsiest impression that I'm not coping well THANKYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ! "

Nevertheless, I kept my tone and words civil but, have to be honest and admit, it unsettled the pants off me. Just hearing that voice was enough to have memories that were fading come screeming back into my head.

So, what's that all about ? I clearly asked him to just text me insurance details, he knew it had been sorted as he'd given his permission to have my name added so why he have to go and call me and act like he's my best friend all of a sudden ? !

That phone has been turned off now and won't be going back on unless I want to make a few, free local calls !

This is a little ditty dedicated to that little shit Billy Barre.

Now you lot, to the tune of  " Your just to good to be true ", after me now, 1 2 3,,,,,